Intervention
by RosalindHawkins
Summary: "Seto, this is an intervention," Mokuba said seriously. "You're 32 years old, unmarried, and, although it might be hard for you to accept, you are not going to live forever. If you want to keep this business in the family, as I know you do, you'll need to have an heir, and that means that you have to get over your fear of commitment."
1. Sex History

"Seto, this is an intervention," Mokuba said, serious as he stood at the front of the conference room.

"I don't need an intervention," Kaiba scoffed, turning to leave but Roland blocked the door. "Move aside."

"With all due respect, sir, I think you should hear him out," Roland said after clearing his throat. His employer rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Just sit down. This won't take long if you cooperate."

Kaiba turned around and narrowed his eyes at his little brother, repeating, "I don't need an intervention."

"Seto Kaiba, you are thirty-two years old, unmarried, and, although it might be hard for you to accept, you are _not_ going to live forever. If you want to keep this business in the family, as I _know_ you do, you'll need to have an heir."

"I'm going to clone myself and my clone will be my heir," Kaiba answered matter-of-factly, arms crossed stubbornly.

"Using which method?" Mokuba asked, looking more exasperated by the moment.

"Somatic cell nuclear transfer."

"You know as well as I do that telomere shortening makes that inviable. Besides, human cloning isn't even _legal_ yet."

"It's not _il_ legal," Kaiba pointed out with a smirk, making Mokuba smack his palm against his forehead.

"Not _yet_ ," Mokuba grumbled. "The issues of an heir aside, I want you to be happy."

"I _am_ happy."

"No you're not. You're distinctly _un_ happy, Seto, and I want to see you settled down like I am."

"Not everyone's cut out for marriage, Mokuba," Seto snapped, starting to glare at his brother.

"Just sit down so we can get this over with," Mokuba sighed, and Kaiba finally complied. "Roland, hit the lights." The lights flicked out and Mokuba pushed the button on the remote to turn on the projector.

"You prepared a _powerpoint_ for this?!" Now Kaiba was the exasperated one.

"Yes." Mokuba stepped away from the wall and off to the side. "A powerpoint on why you can't commit to relationships," he said, reading the title he'd given his presentation.

"Are you sure this is necessary?" Kaiba raised an eyebrow at his little brother.

"Let's look at a timeline of your past relationships, shall we?" Mokuba said, going to the next slide as he ignored his brother's question. Seto's eyes grew wide.

"How did you know about—?"

"You and Pegasus?" Mokuba threw his brother a sidelong glare. "Or were you going to ask about you and Zigfried?"

"I was _going_ to ask how you knew about me and Marik," Seto grumbled, leaning back in his chair in a posture of stubbornness.

"Let's start at the beginning." The next slide showed a picture of Seto and Pegasus, the one from when they released the first Duel Arena. "You two were 'together'"—Mokuba used air quotes around that word—"for three months before I was kidnapped and he tried to take over our company."

"It was strictly a business arrangement," Kaiba said dismissively, earning himself an unimpressed glare from his brother.

"A business arrangement that involved sex?" Mokuba asked, one eyebrow raised as he crossed his arms as well.

His brother was silent for a few moments.

"Yes."

"Moving on." Mokuba returned his attention to the screen and pushed the button on the remote to the next slide, which showed a picture of Marik Ishtar, the one taken for his entry in the duelist database created for the Battle City Tournament. "You slept with him _after_ he kidnapped me—"

"And _after_ you were free again," Kaiba interrupted, as if that made things better. "And it wasn't him, per se, it was his evil alter ego."

"Yes, the sadistic, psychopathic, evil alter ego." Mokuba rolled his eyes. "I still don't understand _why_ that seemed like a good idea!"

"It was a one-night stand." Kaiba shrugged. "We were settling a bet."

"What bet?" Mokuba eyed his brother suspiciously.

"Do you really went to know?" Kaiba smirked at his brother, who just shook his head and went to the next slide.

"Then you had a stint with your secretary while we were constructing Kaibaland." Her picture came up, and it was the one from her I.D. card—when she still worked at KaibaCorp, that was.

"And what was wrong with that?" Kaiba genuinely didn't see a problem with it.

"She was your secretary!" Mokuba exclaimed. "Do you think I don't know that you two were hooking up during work hours?"

"It was stress-relief." Again, Kaiba shrugged.

Mokuba glared at his brother disapprovingly as he said, "Not only did you fire her when you two broke up, but you turned her over to the police for identity theft. What was _that_ about?"

"She stole my checkbook and was forging my signature to use it." Seto's glare was dark and angry. "She got what she deserved."

"That's what happens when you date an employee." Mokuba glowered at his brother, then flipped to the next slide. "You and Zigfried shacked up after the KC Grand Prix. Care to elaborate?"

"One thing led to another," he answered indifferently. "It kind of just happened."

"And it just kept happening for the next few months," the younger Kaiba pointed out in annoyance. "So why did it stop?"

"He was too emotional."

" _Any_ level of emotion is too much for you, Seto. Are you starting to see a pattern yet, or do I need to keep going and talk about the Spirit of the Millennium Ring and all the others?"

"How much research did you _do_ for this?" Kaiba asked, attempting to derail the conversation.

"Don't change the subject with me, Seto! You have a tendency to sabotage yourself with every relationship you've been in, and it all starts with those you choose as your partners! You always remain completely detached because you choose people you couldn't possibly care about: an older business partner, a deranged psychopath, an expendable secretary, a long-time rival, an ancient spirit, a maid at the mansion—even your computer system for goodness sake! Do you not see what's wrong with this picture?"

Kaiba blinked at him with cool disdain before responding, "Even the computer was cheating on me."

"You are afraid to invest emotionally in other people, and I'm the only exception to that rule," Mokuba said quite seriously as he moved to stand in front of his brother. "That is why you don't commit to any relationships long-term."

"I fail to see why this is an issue."

"Because you're still as grumpy and miserable as you were when you were a teenager. I want you to be happy, and don't try to tell me that you are, because I know that you're not."

"As long as I have money and technology, I'm happy." Kaiba stood and started to leave.

"But what about an heir!" Mokuba protested.

"Obviously, the company will be going to you and your family," Seto said, tossing the comment over his shoulder as Roland stepped aside to let him leave. "Unless I can perfect cloning before then, of course."

* * *

 **Author Notes:** I hope this was actually funny. It was supposed to be. It also came out kinda sweet, but I guess that's not a bad thing. This was kind of a throw-away story, not meant to be a masterpiece, but if you got a kick out of it, that's good enough for me. :)

Fun fact: the stuff I say about cloning is actually true. SCNT (somatic cell nuclear transfer) is how Dolly the sheep was cloned, but she lived a _very_ short life and suffered severe organ failure towards the end of it, and this was caused by shortening of the telomeres at either end of the DNA strands transferred from the somatic cell of one sheep into the emptied oocyte cell of Dolly's mother. The legality of human cloning is also undetermined, but since cloning isn't truly viable yet, it's probably not going to be an issue for quite a while.


	2. Damn it, Seto!

"That was better than I thought it'd be," Seto panted as he flopped onto his back and pulled the sheet over himself to keep his body warm. "If I'd known you would be this good, I would have screwed you back in high school." His partner grunted in vague agreement, then let out a throaty chuckle.

"It probably wouldn't have been as good back then, though," he pointed out with a languid smile.

"True," Seto agreed, too pleased to be in the mood to argue. He laughed a little to himself, the happy hormones firing in his brain. "Hmmm... What would you say if I offered to have you come over tomorrow night too?"

"I'd say it's pretty boring for me to just come over and fuck." His partner reached over and stroked his short brown hair with slow, clumsy fingers. "With your money, there are so many interesting things we could do."

"In that case, I think I'm going on holiday for a week, effective tomorrow." Seto pulled the other man's fingers away from his hair and pressed them to his lips. "Monte Carlo or Las Vegas?"

"The first one," his guest mumbled, sounding increasingly drowsy. "We're not too old for that, are we?"

"Oh, definitely not."

* * *

"Where on earth _is_ he?" Mokuba demanded of Roland, his arms folded and his toe tapping impatiently. "He promised he'd be there, but he wasn't, and he won't answer his phone. The kids missed him at Sophie's birthday party, and he has no good reason not to have been there! Just because he's not a family man doesn't mean he can't support _my_ family."

"I'm _very_ sorry, sir," Roland apologized again, looking distressed. "He called in this morning saying he was going on vacation for the next two weeks and that he should only be alerted of an absolute emergency, and that he should be left alone otherwise. As far as business is concerned, that is," Roland added for the sake of clarity.

"Is he still here?"

"As far as I know."

"Then I'm going to look for him myself," Mokuba declared, walking past Roland—who wouldn't dream of stopping him—and began to search the house. He checked the home office, just to be sure, and the library. Then he went to check Seto's bedroom. As soon as he opened the door, he deeply regretted it.

"Damn it, Seto!" he cried, yanking the door shut again as he squeezed his eyes shut for a few moments to try and erase what he'd seen. He marched out of the mansion, and when he passed Roland, he said, "When he comes back from his premature midlife crisis, tell him to call me." Then he went back outside to the car where Serenity was waiting for him.

"What happened?" Serenity asked as Mokuba buckled into the driver's seat.

"Well, I found my brother," he answered shortly, leaving his wife dissatisfied.

"And?"

"I also found _your_ brother."

" _And_?"

"Do you have any eye-bleach on you? I'm fresh out," Mokuba quipped as he pulled onto the long driveway.

"Oh goodness! You don't mean to say... They weren't... Were they?" She seemed as disturbed by this development as he was.

"They most certainly were," Mokuba sighed, clearly frustrated. Serenity reached over and rubbed the spot between his shoulder blades as he got onto the main road.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," he said, glancing at her gratefully. "And it's not Joey's fault either. I'm sure it's Seto's fault, if it's anyone's. I'm just annoyed with him." He sighed again. "He's the only one who can get me worked up like this. And besides, this means…"

He fell silent, Serenity had to ask him to continue.

"This means I lost a bet," Mokuba admitted grudgingly.

"You bet on your brother?!"

"I thought I knew him well enough to bet Yugi that he and Joey would never get along. Apparently, I was wrong. They seemed to be getting along quite well indeed."


End file.
